Forgetting You Might Be The Hardest Thing in My Life.

Before this, I had posted about a cat under a title "Meet My Manja." Seriously, I don't know why I deleted that post and now I know it might have a hikmah - which is to move on.
Time goes really fast then. It has been two months since that day. The day that I didn't even want to go through yet I must face it.
Five years ago, in one day in September, my Bubu [this pretty cat had gone on the day I wanna go to Kuantan ;( ] had give birth on three kittens, in my neighbor's backyard. Only one of them was successfully brought to home as the other two had gone missing/died - I'm not really remember this part. The only part I remember is this, a very cute kitten whereby his fur was little bit different from others.
It was our habit back then to choose whose kitten it is, whose kitten it was. At the same time, there were a few kittens that already lived in that house. Amin and I decided to choose this unique kitten since all of them had already cuter kittens than this one. We didn't expect eventually this one would grow up into a very cute cat.

What a cute creature, isn't it?

We love this kitten very much. Day after day passed. Many kittens didn't survive. Fortunately, he survived. Our love getting richer for him. The first name I gave him was "Manja" because he was like a spoilt brat on that time haha. He was very clingy, he would sulk if he was being ignored and yada-yada. So many things about him that made me love him as he is one of my siblings. I even slept with him and do many things-lah. He was the one who didn't even like to dry food while others were enjoying it. He would only eat luxurious food. Yeah, that's why he was a spoilt brat.

Despite being a spoilt brat, he was very nice to us. He knew that we love him, so he never use his claws to hurt us. Even though we always tease him, massage him, make him angry he would never do that. We love seeing his aegyo, his naughty act. He loves to let the home in mess. HAHAHAHA. He loves teasing us while we were doing our homeworks. He would slept onto our books and pretending to sleep. So naughty, right?

He even tear my mahjong paper that would be used
for my presentation HAHAHA

Day after day, month after month. His name was no longer Manja because my mom had changed it to Abu, according to his fur color. Abu pun Abu-lah, I said. Abu pun sudah dewasa ketika itu. Sudah pandai "pancit" dalam rumah. Jadi taiko gangster kawasan. Jadi gay pun pernah HAHAHAHA.

 Until one day, we moved to a smaller house whereby we had to separate the cats to ensure the cleanliness and good odour within the house. My father built the house for them. It was pretty decent for them .They would be released one day per week as we would clean their home. However, this clingy guy never except that. HAHAHAHA. He maybe afraid that the love for him would be lessen. It is a big NO buddy! Until the time I type this, I'm still loving you. 

He would find a lot of reason to get him out from the place. We need him to stay inside as he was the major contributor to bad odour within this house HAHAHA. However, he was the one who got the specialty to go out everyday. But untuk sekejap jela AHAHA, leka sekejap habis satu rumah bau hancing. At the same time, we were afraid that other cats would feel discriminated. They do have feelings right?

Abu kalau dapat peluang keluar, mana mahu lekat kat rumah dah. Dah bujang dah pun. Jadi taiko kawasan baru ni pulak bersama si Manis kucing pakcik Fairus dan kucing satu lagi, tak ingatlah namanya. Trio nilah taiko besar kawasan, kucing-kucing betina habis lalu rumah aku untuk merenyam dengan dia. Depa selalu kena hambat ngan jiran sebab nakal, kesian bila balik ada luka. Daripada sehensem-hensem kucing, jadi macam umpama mat pit tu dah. Tapi trio ni tak ada dah. Kucing yang satu pergi dulu, diikuti Manis dan lastly, Abu.

Abu ni kan, effort dia nak keluar tu sangat tinggi. Padahal hari-hari keluar. Sometimes badan dia sampai luka, sebab kadang-kadang cari pasal dengan kucing-kucing lain semata-mata nak kami tengok then lepaskan dia. If we come to him, he would proudly walking out from the cage. Hmm, perangai! Keluar pun bukannya nak cling, tapi sambung tugas as taiko kawasan. Hurm.

Tahun pun berganti tahun. Aku masuk UIA. Seminggu sekali mesti video call dengan Abu. I have banyak kucing lagi, tapi yang nilah yang betul-betul aku jaga. Masa aku tak ada, Ajai yang jaga. Sebab tu macam sayang lebih, yang lain pun sayang tau. Tapi Abu special sikit. Tahun 2019. Tahun Abu mula sakit-sakit. Ada satu hari tu, he got a very big wound a day after I had arrived at UIA. Immediately, I terus video call then masa tu jugak aku menangis sebab tak pernah nampak dia sakit macam tu. I suruh Ajai keep on updating sampai dia sembuh. Masa tu tak bersedia nak hilang dia. Dia finally sembuh, thanks to ubat daun gelenggang. Nak hantar pergi vet tak mampu, mampu rawat sendiri je

Tetapi yang merisaukan, gigi dia mulai busuk. Air liur meleleh, gigi banyak tercabut, bulu main kusut, kaki ada bau busuk sebab nanah. Ubatlah macam mana pun dah sihat bahagian ini,, bahagian itu pulak yang sakit. Aku makin pening, but still dia hyperactive, nak jugak bergaduh. Nak jugak buat muka seposen suh orang keluarkan. Padahal kucng lain lek je HAHAHA dia je yang melebih. Since mata dia makin kuyu, kami pun panggil Orang Tua instead of Abuyat. 

May 2020. Abu mulai berubah. Despite badan dia kotor or sakit dia akan berkeras gigit dawai yang membina rumah tu sampai rompong. Dah tutup cemana pun mesti rompong, tahu-tahu je keluar. Tapi yang ajaibnya, dia join kitorang dengan keadaan dia yang mmg ada luka tak habis-habis tu. Ke mana-maa yang ada dia mesti busuk sebab mulut dia and kaki dia. In fact pernah ada maggot but kitorang rawat, keluarkan then sembur ubat luka khusus untuk haiwan. Sembuh jugak walaupun aku nampak mata dia bergenang air mata menahan sakit. Why aku kata berubah? Dah mula nak lepak dalam rumah, dengar apa yang kami bualkan. Pagi-pagi kalau buka pintu muka dia yang pertama terpampang.

Dia mula ada port dalam rumah ni. Depan peti sejuk, depan pintu bilik solat, depan pintu rumah, belakang pintu rumah, even panjat jeriji pintu belakang dengan bawah meja. Ni memang port dia. Each time we gathered at the verandah, he would join us, hearing what we said as he understood it. Everytime we eat, he would join us but dia tak akan makan pun. Bila sua tak nak pun. Cuma yang I perasan each time I bertentang mata, wajah dia sayu je. Masa ni Abu dah sangat kurus. Makan pun tak beria sangat. Dia daripada segemuk-gemuk kucing, jadi sekurus-kurusnya. In fact, Bechok yang sakit dahulu daripada dia pun dah semakin sihat masa tu.

Minggu terakhir bulan puasa. Mimi told me that his leg was swollen. Aku macam, " What the hell? Awat kaki Abu lagu tuu?" Aku dah menangis masa tu. Aku dah terbayang scene keluar maggot yang menyakitkan Abu, scene dengar Abu mengiau kesakitan, scene kami tenangkan Abu sewaktu nak keluarkan maggot. I just pity on him. Dah berapa banyak kali dia kena sakit. I still remember, it was on Sunday when Mimi told me and Ajai about that. After sahur, we quickly open the door, and as expected, he was in front of the door. Ajai and I were cried heavily seeing that. Abu only look us, he came to me, and sit on my lap as he want to cling again to me, like he did when he was younger. I let him doing that, I hug him, and I even swear to him that I would try my best to bring him to vet, although I know that many vet clinic here were closed. I swear that I would use all money I have to cure him, as long as he could be healthy as previously he was. Dengan pipi dia ada big lump of nanah. YA ALLAH SEDIHNYA.

Hari Isnin berlalu dengan Abu masih menahan kesakitan. Kami hanya mampu mengeluarkan maggot, I even ikut cadangan Megat bubuh iodin. Nak bubuh lebih-lebih bimbang tergadai nyawa. Kami tak mampu bawa dia pada hari berkenaan kerana ayah mai kerja. 4 kali kami bersihkan maggot untuk hari Isnin itu. Aku siap potong ayam banyak-banyak goreng as reward for him sebab sanggup endure the pain. Keesokannya, dia masa nak bagi makan, as I open the cage yang kami letakkan dia sementara, dia terus keluar menonong, melompat-lompat while me, " Ya Allah ABU NI. Menyempat lagi lompat-lompat. Tak sedar diri betul sakit ya?"

Sedar-sedar je dia hilang. Cari kat depan belakang mana-mana ceruk pun tak ada. Aku dah risau. Dia dahlah tak makan lagi. Dah la kurus. Kudrat pun tak ada. What if kena serang dengan biawak-biawak kat belakang tu? What if kena kerja dek orang sebab rumah dia pun masa tu dah tak semenggah, but still aku sangat sayang dia.

Malam tu my dad discovered him atas bumbung. I yang risau dan panik terus marah-marah sambil bawak makanan yang I panaskan balik. I macam bebel dekat dia, pergi mana orang cari bla-bla. Tapi secara tak sedar, I curse him. Abu nak kakak bunuh Abu ke ha? Nak mati sangat ke ha? Baik mati jelah macam ni. Rasa bersalah sangat bila ingat balik. Ya Allah rasa berdosanya. Aku cakap macam tu sebab aku tak tahan tengok dia meran but still aku tak boleh maafkan diri ni sebab cursing dia, maafkan kakak Abu.

Berbekalkan tangga, aku panjat then bagi dia makan. Muka dia sayu je. Tapi sebab aku cam merajuk sebab dia hilang aku biar je. Paling sedih bila aku tengok ekor mata dia ikut je mana-mana aku pergi. Dia pandang je aku mengharapkan aku bawak dia turun. Instead, my mom yang turunkan.

Ayah balik bawa ubat untuk Abu. My mom and I pegang dia and ayah spray ubat tu. Dia tak meronta sebab lemah but I can see his eyes were watery. Dia menangis sebab sakit. Kitorang pujuklah Abu kena kuat, pasni Abu sihat kakak boleh main dengan Abu macam biasa. Again, aku menangis, minggu tu je berapa kali tah aku menangis sebab dia. We love you very much Abu! Aku usap kepala dia then kami letakkan dia dalam cage. Dia pun terhincut-hincut bila dalam cage tu.

RABU, 20 MEI 2020. Abu semakin tenat. Badan dia dihurung semut. Kami menangis nak rak, sebab badan dia terlampau lemah, bergerak langsung tak boleh. Luluh hati aku melihatnya begitu. Aku makin dihimpit rasa bersalah sebab plan nak bawa Abu jumpa vet tak kesampaian sebab Ayah kerja. Aku pun ambil dia, letak dekat kusyen kucing favourite dia. Aku letak dia dalam pangkuan. Menangis-nangis kami. Memang dah pesan pagi tu, kalau Abu nak pergi, Abu pergi ya sebab kakak tak nak Abu sakit lagi. Abu jangan seksa diri ya. Kala itu, hanya mata dia je mampu bergerak. Dia pun ada effort untuk bercakap tapi hanya bunyi sepicing sahja yang mampu kami dengar.

Siapa yang tak luluh bila tengok keadaan tu? Melihatkan Abu masih bernyawa, aku pegang badan dia. Aku bersihkan badan dia. Sambil-sambil pesan, Abu kalau nak pergi, pergilah ya, jangan seksa diri lagi. Tapi you know what? Dia bertahan, my mom suh bagi susu supaya dia ada tenaga. Aku suapkan guna botol susu kucing. Nanah kat pipi tu pun dah pecah. Kalian bayangkanlah, badannya sudah terkulai lemah, tapi matanya masih teguh memandang kami. Pagi pun berlalu, dia masih bertahan. Daripada duduk di atas tiba2 duduk di bawah meja. Aku fikir ada harapanlah untuk hidup. Sebab memang nampak dia bernafas. 15 minit sebelum azan asar aku teman dia, lapkan badan dia yang kotor dek cecair nanah yang keluar tanpa henti, suakan susu walaupun banyak mengalir keluar daripada masuk ke dalam mulut.

Tapi seminit sebelum azan Asar, badan dia mulai berombak. Aku mula nampak dia mengalami Sakaratulmaut. Sedihnya bukan kepalang. Cecair kencing berbaki dalam badannya dah keluar, mata hitam yang mengecil dek kilauan cahaya kini sudah membesar. Tahulah aku bahawa dia sudah tidak bernyawa lagi. Seakan tidak percaya bahawa Abu yang aku jaga, aku bawa tidur, aku bagi makan, aku mandikan kini sudah tiada. Abu yang meghiburkan kami dengan keletah comel telah tiada. Abu yang kuat merajuk telah tiada.

Makin lebat tangisan kami. Seraya aku bangun dalam tangisan, mencapai cangkul lalu menggali kubur Abu. Hari yang aku tak nak lalui telah tiba. Daripada Allah kita datang, kepada-Nya jualah kita kembali, bukan? 

Macam manalah nak lalui hidup tanpa muka Abu yang menyapa aku? Sehingga kini rsa kekok. Ayah ada bagitahu aku, lepas Abu mati, dia sedar satu perkara. Punca mengapa Abu beria sangat nak keluar dari cage yang menempatkan dia even tho dia sakit sebab mungkin dia nak spent masa dengan kami. Mungkin dia tahu masa dia telah hampir tiba. Tapi yang khilafnya, seorang pun tidak sedar.

Kalau aku sedar, sudah pasti hari-hari aku bagi extra affection. Malangnya, kini Abu tiada. Dekat mana-mana nampak dia. Depat peti sejuk, depan pintu, belakang rumah. Hailaa Abu, kuat penangan Abu ni.

Mungkin Allah nak ubat kerinduan pada Abu. Banyak ciri yang aku perhati pada si Butter yang sama dengan Abu. Riak muka, jenis bulu (bulu Abu jenis halus, lembut tapi kembang macam kucing parsi) perangai mengada, perangai suka kacau orang, perangai menyepahkan rumah. Hmm..

Sampai sekarang, sebut je nama Abu memang akan auto menangis. Kucing lain mati tak adalah grieving sebegini teruk. Tapi Abu ni lain. Dia istimewa. Sampai sekarang aku tak boleh maafkan apa yang aku kata pada Abu sehari sebelum dia mati. Terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kata buruk padahnya, bukan?

Abu, forever you'll be missed...

Terima kasih Abu sebab mencorakkan dan menceriakan hari kakak. Selamat tinggal. Berbahagialah di sana. Moga Allah ampunkan daku atas silap yang pernah aku buat kepada Abu.

This is Butter Cantik.

This is Abu.