saa (pencinta coklat)

Salam 7 Ramadan (technically, kita dah masuk 7 Ramadan kan, since it's already passed Maghrib haha) Phew, a little bit awkward nak mencurahkan semua isi hati aku, but, right now, I feel bad and I don't know to whom should I express everything. Well, I don't that one friend yang I willingly to tell everything. Technically, I haven't meet anyone that can hear me out, so yeah, here's my blog which I can be honest, at least for most of things. Now, I'm entering my low mood era and I can barely sleep. Plus, I feel agitated. Damn. Teruk gila. Dah dua hari aku masuk era sleepless night and keep on playing games, otherwise, otak aku akan keep on thinking things that make me upset. I need to redirect my thoughts tho. Thanks to my epileptic drug, I can manage to control things from being too bad. Since I got my newest diagnosis, Bipolar type 2, things are getting weird haha. Firstly, susah gila nak terima kenyataan yang aku ada BMD, nk deny tak boleh sebab diri sendiri me...

After watching Doctor Slump, I just realized that I'm in my slump era. Everyone would have their own slump phase. And each of us would have it differently. Thought that my slump era would be a brief one, but didn't expect it would be this long. But nevermind, I'll just embrace it. I'll just take this opportunity to break, rehat habis2an because I know I've been terribly busy since my primary school years. I barely have memories with my extended family because I've been busy burning the midnight oil. I'll just think that my illness right now as one of the channels for me to "Whoa, wait a minute. Take your break!" Don't worry peeps. I'm not grieving. I've been in the last stage of grief - acceptance. Sometimes, I'll feel useless and hopeless but all I can do to just ditch them because extreme thoughts will pull me back into darkness, so yeah, maybe I've become a heartless girl? HAHAHA perasan. Jokes aside. But, all I can say right...

6 months already. Lagi beberapa hari mencecah 7 bulan aku come clean tanpa self-harm dan overdosis ubat. Bersih.  Mungkin juga ini yang dirasakan oleh penagih dadah bila dapat capai pencapaian bebas dadah, walaupun cuma sebulan. Hari ini makan ubat batuk sebab dah kembali batuk. Dan buat pertama kali setelah sekian lamanya, aku terasa bagai di awangan, sebiji macam yang aku rasa setiap kali mengambil ubat anti kemurungan.  Tahun 2023, banyak betul pengalaman baru, pahit. Masuk wad psikiatri seminggu, itu antara pengalaman yang paling tak boleh lupa. Kenal macam-macam orang daripada pelbagai latar belakang. Terkurung dalam wad yang umpama penjara bagi orang luar. Hari-hari menyaksikan pesakit skizofrenia, bipolar disorder, dan pesakit psikosis punya ragam. Mujur ada jururawat yang jadi peneman, dan rakan-rakan yang masih berpijak di bumi nyata, kalau tidak, agaknya aku pun turut serta sekali bog*l depan CCTV.  Dan aku baru tahu yang babak renjat elektrik pada otak pesakit ...

My thoughts of the week: "Kau ni asyik depress je, cubalah lawan perasaan tu?" "Boleh tak jangan ikutkan perasaan tu?" Seandainya melakukan apa yang dituturkan itu mudah, sudah lama aku dapat. Kalau nasib boleh ditukar ganti, dah lama aku suruh mulut2 ini duduk di tempat aku. Asyik meratap hiba benda sama setiap hari. Walaupun hidup diteruskan, perkara yang lalu masih terus mengejar, mencengkam sukmaku. Cuba beri mereka lalui apa yang Shahrulnisa lalui untuk sehari je. Tak lama pun, sehari je pastu tengok, kau boleh survive ke tak? Atau silap hari bulan, kau yang dijemput ajal lebih awal daripada aku. Ujian itu berdasarkan kayu ukur kekuatan. Diberikan ujian itu bukti kita ni mampu. Kau tak rasa apa yang aku rasa, sebab kau tak mampu. Andai sahaja kau duduk di tempatku, aku boleh jamin, bukan sahaja tersungkur, silap hari bulan, kau lumpuh! Andai kau tahu betapa aku sedaya upaya melawan diri sendiri. Melawan fikiran sendiri. Melawan bisikan yang mengatakan, "Ka...

Have you heard about the Japanese saying, " The Japanese say you have three faces. The first face, you show to the world. The second face, you show to your close friends and your family. The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are!" Recently, I had a deep talk with my younger sister, I don't know if it can either be recognized as heart-to-heart talk or not. But there were a lot of things that we mentioned, beginning from our school days up until now, mental health. I was too lazy to keep on bringing up the mental health one, so yeah we'll just write it briefly this time. Basically and finally, I mentioned almost all of my truest self to her, and she also mentioned things that she kept all this while, all were about my selfishness. I always thought that I'm the one who was always being hurt. Am I a manipulative person? Yes, I am greedy, I can't stand seeing other's people success if I can't achieve that. But the thi...

Wow, setahun dah aku tak usik blog ni. Last update was March 2022. Busy ye nok, dah nak masuk senior year ni. Lagipun, macam-macam sangatlah benda berlaku. Dan bagi aku, benda-benda ini dahsyat, bukanlah namanya dewasa kalau tidak ditimpa perkara yang dahsyat bukan? Kesihatan mental aku buat masa sekarang memang fluctuate, kalau jatuhnya bukan kepalang. Bukan sekadar tersungkur, terduduk, tahap merangkak dah ni mencari kekuatan. Tetapi kalau nak dibandingkan tahun lepas dan tahun ini kan, tahap redha aku sekarang ini dah berada di level dewa. Aku tidak lagi memberontak seperti dulu dah. Kadang tu, perlukan aku untuk belek gambar-gambar lama untuk mencari sumber kekuatan, untuk bangkit kembali. Tahun lepas, bulan Jun, seminggu sebelum clinical exam, aku masuk hospital lagi sebab overdose ubat. Kalau tang tu, kali ke-3 dah overdose. Bukan suatu kebanggaan, tapi setiap kali impulsivity tu datang, macam itulah aku bertindak. Timbang tara baik dan buruk semua dah hilang sebab dihambat emosi...