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Orang Kata Kan...


Have you heard about the Japanese saying,
"The Japanese say you have three faces.
The first face, you show to the world.
The second face, you show to your close friends and your family.
The third face, you never show anyone. It is the truest reflection of who you are!"

Recently, I had a deep talk with my younger sister, I don't know if it can either be recognized as heart-to-heart talk or not. But there were a lot of things that we mentioned, beginning from our school days up until now, mental health. I was too lazy to keep on bringing up the mental health one, so yeah we'll just write it briefly this time. Basically and finally, I mentioned almost all of my truest self to her, and she also mentioned things that she kept all this while, all were about my selfishness. I always thought that I'm the one who was always being hurt. Am I a manipulative person?

Yes, I am greedy, I can't stand seeing other's people success if I can't achieve that.
But the thing is, I never meant to do anything harm to others upon seeing their success. It is just that I will be fueled with anger, it's an alarming anger to myself, there'll be a monologue, "Why it can't be achieved?" "Why are you so dumb?" "Why are you so useless?" Then, without my realization, I'll start punishing myself harder. Yeah, that's the root of my prob.

Secondly, I admit that I'm egoistic, stingy and narcissistic (yeah, it came to my realization after having this kind of talk with my sis). Maybe that's the way people see me. I wasn't aware this because all I think is prioritizing myself all this while. But this thing has a reason behind that, I'm not trying to be defensive and I wasn't mention this to her. I don't wanna be seen as a weak person. Let me keep this with myself and within this post. Growing up with siblings that is close in age does really expose me to bully. I was constantly being bullied and humiliated by her, especially in front of my cousins. And each time, I will beg to her, asking for forgiveness, but all she did was, keep on putting on her act and drama. Growing up, I realize, I need to love, protect myself. And this is what can I do. A bully will never realize or even remember the person they bullied. But indeed, it leaves me a huge scar. And up to this day, although she has already changed, she never apologized me for what she had done.

But... This 'defense mechanism' has already turned me into a monster. Without me knowing and realizing that. Well, I hate that part of me and now, I'm trying to sort this out. You know what? Due to this trait that I have already planted in my self, I don't really like sharing room, sleeping over with others, borrowing things. As long as the thing I can afford or make it happens, I'll tryna DIY!

Okay, next. I'm not that kind. Please, I'm not that religious & pious AF, so living with people's expectation stresses me more. Plus, I don't like compliments. Please, hearing those compliments creeps me out. A lil bit with my background, I was enrolled in religious school, having me taking 'Kelas Kemahiran Al-Quran' which surprisingly I fell in love with, completed my Tahfiz before pursuing my tertiary study, and at first it wasn't really my cup of tea because my first stigma was, "I don't wanna be that ayu looking ustazah!" But enrolling this program does really introduce me to a good biah, and for that, I'm grateful for being the chosen one. But that's not change the fact that I'm no good. Bruh, I'm no good. If you wanna see the true example of a deviant religious school leaver, well, it's gonna be me.

I'm just ordinary. As the saying goes, wasatiyyah. Yeah, that's the way I'll describe myself. So, if you wanna have a religious chit-chat, I might not be the best person. Tanyalah orang-orang yang ada tauliah mengajar agama. I'm not the one.

But please... Don't misjudge me. Up to this day, to this second, I'm still trying to be a better version of myself. Up to this day, I still think that I'm fake. I'm fake.

Okay, I shall stop here. I'll keep on updating selagimana aku hidup.

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