I feel bad right now

Salam 7 Ramadan (technically, kita dah masuk 7 Ramadan kan, since it's already passed Maghrib haha)
Phew, a little bit awkward nak mencurahkan semua isi hati aku, but, right now, I feel bad and I don't know to whom should I express everything. Well, I don't that one friend yang I willingly to tell everything. Technically, I haven't meet anyone that can hear me out, so yeah, here's my blog which I can be honest, at least for most of things.
Now, I'm entering my low mood era and I can barely sleep. Plus, I feel agitated. Damn. Teruk gila. Dah dua hari aku masuk era sleepless night and keep on playing games, otherwise, otak aku akan keep on thinking things that make me upset. I need to redirect my thoughts tho. Thanks to my epileptic drug, I can manage to control things from being too bad. Since I got my newest diagnosis, Bipolar type 2, things are getting weird haha. Firstly, susah gila nak terima kenyataan yang aku ada BMD, nk deny tak boleh sebab diri sendiri memang menunjukkan ciri2 manusia begitu.
Okaylah, part nak terima diagnosis baru tu dah berlalu lama dah. Murung dua minggu aku lepas tu masuk dlm fasa euthymic di mana mood kembali biasa2. Lepas tu, bergelut dengan fasa hypomanic but luckily, tak seteruk sebelum aku ambil ubat sebabnya aku manage to control myself from doing things rushly.
Tapi setelah aku dah biasa dengan bipolarity in mood, sekarang aku macam kembali memasuki depression phase. Not too extremela sebab aku ada self-control mengenai apa yang aku fikir, cuma itulah aku tak boleh menidakkan apa yang aku rasa. Aku macam sort of menangisi nasib hidup aku. Ditimpa kegagalan, well, I see myself as being handicapped right now because of having this disease. Dan aku rasa penyakit ni satu kegagalan. Kenapa? Dia dah tarik banyak benda yang menyebabkan aku hidup. Pendidikan aku, masa aku. Entahla. Dalam fasa euthymic, aku boleh direct fikiran aku dengan mengatakan, "Yow, everything will be alright."
But, sekarang ni yang aku nampak hanyalah, kegagalan dan kesedihan kerana menghidapi sakit ni. Aku delay dua tahun untuk grad. Aku hilang nikmat berkawan. Aku rasa seperti dihukum. Tak tipu, sebab dari hari pertama aku diberitahu yang aku cuti, aku rasa aku sepeti dihukum kerana sakit begini. Tapi tiada siapa faham. Yang mereka beritahu, cuti ini merupakan ruang untuk aku berehat. Berapa lama lagi aku perlu rehat? Atau, aku dilihat seperti seorang manusia handicapped, yang mempunyai liabiliti, yang hanya akan menyusahkan pada masa akan datang?
And recently, I was notified that my scholarship has ended disebabkan masalah kesihatan. So how am I gonna end my study? Or, do I have ample time to seek for jobs? And, am I a burden? Orang selalu pujuk aku, tenangkan aku, mengatakan aku bukan bebanan, but I see it in another way. No offense, but, aku nampak diri aku ialah liabiliti.
If only, and if only, I was given a chance to prove myself, yang aku mampu despite those episodes, aku terfikir, yang mungkin the authority will still consider me. Let's say in the future, nauzubillahi min zalik, same thing happen again, would they ask me, like previously, to halt my studies? Dah tu, aku kena pekung semua benda, pretend like everything is okay and then, finish my study. Okay, let's just forget the wellbeing so that I can grad. Macam tu?
You know what. Because of things like this, now, I don't wish to open up anymore. I do regret any action that requires me to open up mengenai masalah aku. Everyone is giving me hope but at the end, harapan tinggal harapan. Worldly matters, unexpected isn't it? Kalaulah dengan berterus terang tentang keadaan aku akhirnya akan meletakkan aku di bawah liabiliti, aku lebih rela bawa beban ni dan aku kandung sampai aku mati. Well, at least, sampailah aku landed any job. The one yang ada kerja, you'll never understand how desperate untuk aku grad, landed a job and not to worry my parents. You have no idea how my parents expect me untuk berjaya but only to see her once successful daughter ended up stuck in the mental health issue? And achieve nothing? And doing nothing? And becoming home caretaker? And becoming a failure? Memang aku ke minta sakit macam ni? Is it my fault to have this kind of illness? Why eh, why eh? WHYYY???
25 years old and achieving nothing is painful to watch. Sampai bila aku kena duduk diam dan tengok everyone is making progress? BILA AKU CAKAP NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND ME, THEY SAID, NOPE WE UNDERSTAND YOU.
BUT THIS? THIS? Bukan sahaja menghancurkan harapan aku, tapi agaknya menghancurkan persepsi aku terhadap diri sendiri. Now, I don't see myself valuable dah. I'm doomed. My world is doomed. My ambition is doomed.
Huh. I don't see any reason to trust anyone dah. Tak mengapalah, benda dah jadi, enjoy jelah cuti. Dan carilah kerja untuk mengubati lara di hati. Dan semoga aku berjayalah cari kerja kosong di mana2 kilang so that aku masih mampu untuk habiskan saki baki tahun aku di universiti. Itu pun kalau berjaya. Kalau tak berjaya?
Lebih baik tak payah hidup daripada menyusahkan. That's it. Made up my mind oredi.